Advice to My Former Self - Katie Kaufmann

Hey Reader!

Have you ever looked back at your formal self and cringed or noticed all the things that lead you down a certain path? Have you ever wanted to scoop that younger self up in your arms and guide them towards more skillful ways of seeing themselves in the world?

Boogie NIghts had just come out

I recently pulled out an old journal from 1997-98. Reading through, there were some things I noticed right away as major contributing factors to why I developed chronic pain that I would have never been able to see back then.

1. I was very lonely in college. I had gone from being part of a few tight knit friend groups in high school, to living in a single dorm room two-thirds of the way across the country. The couple friends I had made my Freshman year did not return sophomore year and I was starting all over.

2. I was extremely judgemental. Hard on myself. Beating myself up for not being in the place I wanted to be, socially, academically, physically, and otherwise. My judgements radiated out to other people and situations. I was very picky about finding just the right people to be around that ticked all my boxes and never quite felt settled because I was always searching for something better and perhaps unattainable.

3. I had trouble with rejection. Whether it be not getting a good grade, invited to a party, getting cast in a play, or getting ghosted by a guy I was seeing at the end of my sophomore year. The sting was always devastating and extremely personal. I recently became aware of this study that shows how rejection sensitivity can predict somatic symptoms.

4. I was, and likely still am, a perfectionist and control freak. I was aware of this back then. In fact a few of my journal entries stated as much. “I just want to be happy for one day or maybe one hour. Too many things worry and annoy me. I am such an uptight perfectionist control freak!” The awareness was one thing but the sheer cruelty in which I treated myself because of it is quite another.

5. I had another condition that preceded chronic pain, IBS. I had a stomach ache most of the 97-98 school year at any given time and nothing could be found as the cause. Stress response can result in a variety of somatic manifestations, and once we think we have one thing solved, something else arises in its place. A frustrating game of danger signal whack-a-mole. Little did I know the IBS was just a precursor to back pain, with the same root cause.

6. I cared a great deal about what others thought of me and went to great lengths to appear like I didn’t care. I wanted my peers to see me as artsy and deep and interesting, drawing them in with my aloof, brooding ways. It only shut them out and created more barriers to connection.

7. I had a negativity bias, always looking for what was wrong instead of what was right.

8. I was having a new experience in an unfamiliar place. Not only was this true about college, but even more so when I studied abroad for a year with added language and cultural barriers. I was embarrassed to speak much of the time because I was so afraid to make a mistake and then beating myself up for not trying. I was out of my element in so many ways.

It is said that chronic pain and other symptoms often stem from an identity crisis and then creates an additional identity crisis when we are unable to do the things we used to do, have the energy we used to have, or be who we used to be.

Part of the healing work is to examine all the things we identify with and determine what is really who we are at our core. We come to find we have very little to do with any of it and they are just passing things we “experience” rather than “are.”

What you identify with, good or bad, will become painful to lose.

Although some of those qualities have stayed with me, I’m happy to say they are much less and I credit that to all the work I’ve done to get well. Today I am much easier on myself. I am more tolerant of others. I seek to connect and be kind over finding just the right person or group to connect with. I look for going right more than what’s going wrong (okay, well maybe 51% of the time.) I let rejection roll off my back and no longer take it personally. And although sometimes I still feel lonely, I thoroughly enjoy my own company. I do my best and let go of the outcome and take a “good enough” approach when I notice my perfectionism coming into play.

I wish I could go back in time and teach the younger me how to have more compassion for myself and others, how to be with difficult emotions, situations and sensations with the confidence and comfort in knowing that even in it all that I was okay and this experience is temporary. I wish I could teach myself to look for what’s going right and bringing small sparks of joy!

What patterns do you see in your former self that resulted in a current experience? What would you go back and say to yourself then that would make it better? If you are still stuck in suffering and you imagine a future healed version of you coming to visit, what do you think they might say? What pieces of your own wisdom do you want to incorporate today?

I’d love to help if I can!

With love,

Coach Katie

www.coachkatiewellbeing.com

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Contact me at katie@coachkatiewellbeing.com or via my website coachkatiewellbeing.com