Happy Friday!
By the time you read this I will be sitting in a sauna on the north shore of Lake Superior for one of my favorites weekends of the whole year, Sauna Days. I have been looking forward to this weekend since last year’s event. I hope it will be just as magical as it has been in the past… OOPS! Am I setting myself up for a comparison trap?!
One of the things I struggle with most is comparison, and I see it in my clients all the time too, so I know I’m not alone. I have by no means mastered evading this habit, but it is one of the biggest drivers of keeping my brain on high alert and has been the culprit of many a flare up of pain.
As humans, it is natural to compare ourselves to others. Doing as others do is how we animals learn how to do many things. And being like others and a part of the group of humans surrounding us has some real evolutionary benefits of survival.
But comparison is also a trap.
When we compare ourselves to others we operate from a place of lack. (Lets’ face it; we rarely compare how much better off we are than others.) This sets our autonomic nervous system into a stress response, looking for other flaws in ourselves, in our choices, in our circumstances and trying to make meaning or find solutions until we feel totally helpless. And you already know this is not a healing state.
And the comparison doesn’t stop there! The most insidious type of comparison is the comparison with ourselves. We compare ourselves to a former version of ourselves, before symptoms. We compare ourselves to the selves we could have been if symptoms hadn’t got in our way.
This is a cruel game our minds like to play on us. We assume that we are less than if we can’t do as much now or feel more pain (physical or emotional) than we once did. We negate any parts of our prior experience that were not so good and create an idealized version of ourselves that never existed. We write what would have been our lives if only… when we don’t know what will be ever!
These are all attempts of our brain to have some sense of control, because control = safety. The fearful and judgmental messages of comparison don’t actually spur us on to be better and feel better. They are like a radio programmed to the most obnoxious noise you can imagine. I like to refer to this radio station by it’s call letters, K-FKD.
How to turn the dial
- First of all, we need to notice that the radio station is on (playing our least favorite hits.)
- Recognize it for the noise it is and the untruths it tells.
- Choose to turn the dial.
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Focus either internally or externally for one curious thing to bring you back to now.
- This might be something as tiny as the way the sunlight shines off a reflective surface, the feeling of a cool tile floor, or the tiny ridges of your fingerprint.
- Breathe.
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Switch stations to more uplifting music and messages of safety, enoughness, and care.
- “I’m on my own unique path.”
- “It is possible that I am learning what I need to in this very moment to heal.”
- “I recognize the parts of me that go beyond what I do or how I feel that are divine and magical.”
- “I’m connected to all versions of myself.”
- “There is value to be found right here.”
- “I cannot tell the future or predict the trajectory of my experience.”
- “I am more than my thoughts.”
As I said at the beginning, I work on this every day. I don’t always succeed. Some days the gremlins win! But when I can catch them before they’ve been fed after midnight, I can reclaim a sense of agency and real care for myself. This turns off the danger response in my brain that causes my symptoms.
You’re not broken. You have every capacity you need to heal, and I believe in that part of you more than you know.
With loving support,
Katie
